Introduction
Conversations for Change 12 Ways to Say It Right When It Matters Most Shawn Kent Hayashi Adapted by permission of McGraw-Hill from Conversations for Change by Shawn Kent Hayashi. ©2011 by Shawn Kent Hayashi ISBN: 978-0-07-174528-4
Conversation is inherent to work and to socializing, and so it seems like it should be a natural and easy skill. Still, some people manage to create momentum with their conversations, moving people and organizations forward while others create a sour emotional wake, and demotivate people.
Meaningful conversation is a learned skill, writes Shawn Kent Hayashi in Conversations for Change. Hayashi has spent more than 20 years coaching people to improve their conversation skills in order to build stronger relationships and organizations. Conversations for Change is the culmination of that work and is rich with real-world cases from Hayashi’s clients. Hayashi has created assessment methodologies to identify the key conversational skills and individual styles of communication. Hayashi then takes the reader through 12 essential business conversations (for example, a conversation for commitment, a conversation to resolve conflict), and how to use them.
Great conversations are built on a foundation of awareness, which includes:
- Emotional intelligence: an awareness of emotions in oneself and others that helps people navigate situations.
- Motivators: values, which inform what people want to talk about.
- Style: how people approach communication.
Perhaps on the surface, emotion has no place in business, but that is unrealistic. People are influenced by emotions, but star performers and great communicators have some mastery of those emotions. They are emotionally intelligent, able to process their own emotions and self-regulate even in upsetting circumstances, and they connect well in conversations, or with crowds, with their ability to inspire, motivate, and engage. Consider that Presidents Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton were each credited with being inspirational, and Reagan was known as “The Great Communicator.”
According to Hayashi, there are seven core emotions that produce measurable chemical changes in the body:
• love
• joy
• hope
• sadness
• envy
• anger
• fear
Each in turn produces physical manifestations, like trembling, stomachache, and sweaty palms. Finally, those seven core emotions produce any one (or more) of 26 emotional states of being – feelings like hatred, jealousy, frustration, freedom, passion, optimism, and so on. Gaining control of those seven core emotions is a way to control those 26 states.
It is possible to develop emotional intelligence; to gain control of the feelings by being aware of those core emotions and choosing thoughts and actions that inspire a desired feeling. This requires five emotional intelligence competencies:
- Self awareness: knowing what one feels in the moment.
- Self regulation: being proactive rather than reactive toward emotions, thus choosing the end behavior.
- Motivation: playing to one’s own passions, skills and abilities.
- Empathy: the ability to identify what someone else feels, and use that ability to create rapport.
- Social skills: the ability to work in a group and align members toward progress.
It is also possible for an individual to be stuck in an emotion – to have a “default” emotion, which in turn influences every action and mood. Even if the emotion is positive (like joy), that emotion may not be appropriate to every conversation, such as a conversation to terminate an employee. This displays a lack of empathy and an emotionally illiterate speaker.
To move up the “emotional ladder” from #7 (fear) to #1 (love), one must recognize and acknowledge the emotion of a moment; then take actions to select another emotion. Key to this is not judging an emotion as undesirable – the emotion simply is. Anger is not an evil emotion. Rather, it can be an indicator that someone has crossed a boundary, and the situation calls for a conversation. The conversation will defuse the cause of the anger, and in turn, the anger itself.
Still, some emotions are more constructive, more solution focused than problem focused. Angry employees may say that their bosses are “slave drivers” or are vague in their directions. If instead those employees focus on their bosses’ strengths and envision a more positive workplace that relies on those strengths, then the employees are ready for a constructive conversation.
Finally, people leave behind them an emotional wake, for good or bad. Emotionally illiterate people are likely to be surprised when they learn that they leave everyone in a room feeling angry or fearful. An emotionally intelligent person will recognize and process emotions, and leave an emotional wake of hopefulness or joy (where that is appropriate).
The second foundation of every conversation is values and motivators. These are distinct to every individual and inform what they are likely to talk about and hear. Values and motivators also inform a good fit for employment. Consider two distinct workplaces, such as TD Ameritrade and the non-profit World Wildlife Fund. Chances are that a broker from TD Ameritrade would be a bad fit at WWF. The values of each organization are simply different, and the values of the workers must align with their workplaces if they are to be content and stand behind an organization’s mission.
Eduard Spranger in Types of Men (1928) described six basic workplace values:
- Utilitarian, favoring usefulness, productivity, and financial well-being. Utilitarians are the salespeople, entrepreneurs, financial officers, and bankers of the world; they tend to be self made and profit-oriented.
- Aesthetic, being more artistic, sensual, and creative. People with aesthetic values are interior designers, physical trainers, chefs and so on. Martha Stewart has strong aesthetic values; she enjoys peace and harmony. But she is also quite utilitarian, as evidenced by her empire (under the umbrella of her company, Omnimedia).
- Theoretical, wanting answers, truth, and knowledge sharing. Theoreticals are the professors, scientists, doctors, investigators.
- Traditional, favoring clear-cut instructions and procedures. The traditionals enjoy living by rules and standards, and include police officers, quality control experts, pastors, and teachers.
- Social, aimed toward enriching the lives of others. The social type wants to “make a difference” in people’s lives. This type includes teachers, firefighters, fund-raisers, and nonprofit employees.
- Individualistic, in which an expert leads with world-class ideas. The individualists are leaders, and lead by example and with enthusiasm. They are CEOs, politicians, and chairpeople. (Donald Trump is a conspicuous example.) As in the case of Martha Stewart, a person is usually driven by more than one value. Someone whose first value is social, but second is individualistic, is likely to start a nonprofit organization. Someone who is theoretical and traditional would likely enjoy data and research; and would have a miserable time working at Omnimedia.
Very likely, that person would have a difficult time even talking to Ms. Stewart. People connect and disconnect on their values.The aesthete may dine on some fantastic Mediterranean dish and declare, “This is incredible! You should try this!” while the utilitarian wonders how the dish can be packaged and sold.
Emotionally intelligent people are aware of their own values, the values of the organizations they work for, and the values of other people in a conversation. They adapt to those values, as needed. A hard-driven utilitarian recognizes that a more methodical-theoretical person prefers to back up decisions with research, and so will not demand, “I need your answer now.” The third foundation is communication style. Just as people of similar values connect easily, people of similar communication styles do as well. There are four general styles, represented by the acronym DISC:
- Dominant – Someone with a high dominant style takes charge, relies on gut instincts, and relishes a challenge
- Influential – Those with the high influence style like to interact and persuade, and are good at including others in conversations and decisions.
- Steady – The high steady style favors security, structure, and calm. (This represents 40 percent of the population.) 4. Compliant – The high compliance style favors accuracy and caution, policies and procedures.
Someone with a high dominant style will likely find someone with a compliant style as plodding and too methodical – an anchor who holds up progress. In reverse, that compliant type may find the high dominant type rash and impulsive.
An individual is “hardwired” with a communication style, called a natural style; but likely has an adapted style as well, one the individual uses to “get along” in an organization. Someone may adapt a style to suit an organization or a manager, but this tends to lead to discontentment. An adapted style is better used in a given situation, for example, speaking to a high compliant person in terms of policies. This is people-reading, and superior communicators adapt in order to communicate well.
Great conversations are built on the foundations of emotional intelligence, motivators, and communication styles.
The conversations themselves fall along a continuum, beginning with a Conversation for Connection and ending with aConversation for Moving On. In between are conversations for action, conflict resolution, and accountability–all key conversations in effective communication, but also in creating momentum, be it in someone’s career, a given project, or the growth of an organization. The twelve conversations are these:
- A Conversation for Connection is a sort of kick-off in which individuals build rapport and trust through listening.
- A Conversation for Creating New Possibilities builds upon that connection. It is in these conversations that ideas are conceived, such as new product lines or ideas for professional development; a manager asks an employee, in essence, “What are you capable of? What do you want to achieve?”
- A Conversation for Structure is one in which the plan is conceived for achieving those possibilities.
- A Conversation for Commitment is one which, in essence, asks the individuals involved, “Do we have your commitment to this idea? Will you be responsible for your part in it?”
- A Conversation for Action discovers, “What do we (or you) do next? What actions will realize goals and professional dreams?”
- The Conversation for Accountability ensures that individuals understand that they are accountable for delivering what they agreed to do. This may be corrective, for a non-performer.
- A Conversation for Conflict Resolution is a constructive one, aimed at creating a safe, non-fearful environment with positive outcomes for all involved.
- A Conversation for Breakdown acknowledges some insoluble conflict or breakdown in communication, perhaps a persistent and unresolved cause of anger. The individuals ask, directly, for what they need to move past the breakdown.
- Failing that, a Conversation for Withdrawal and Disengagement ends that misconnection, making room for more constructive and enjoyable professional relationships.
- The Conversation for Change may be with an individual, a team, or an entire organization. The aim is to guide the conversation to acknowledge a change or to effect some much-needed change.
- A Conversation for Appreciation is a meaningful one, tailored to the communication style and motivators of the appreciated; done well, these conversations build stronger relationships and momentum.
- Finally, a Conversation for Moving On puts some relationship in the past. It is not necessarily a parting of ways; it can also be one that occurs around a transfer or retirement. The people involved may reconnect some time later, but not necessarily so.
A Conversation for Connection usually takes place at the beginning of a new relationship; for example, in attending a conference, in a job interview, or in meeting a new employee or boss. A Conversation for Connection can also help two people move beyond prejudices – the frozen-in-time perceptions they have of one another from when they first met.
On the surface, such a conversation may feel like chit-chat, but is far more meaningful. It creates the opportunity for the two parties to use their emotional intelligence to feel one another out for motivators and communication styles.
What goes wrong frequently during connection is a lack of presence. One or more of the individuals is distracted and not practicing deep listening; that individual is missing those values, motivators and communication styles, thus missing the foundations of a valuable relationship. The individual also misses whatever opportunity the connection holds; “Serendipity…happens when you stay in the moment,” writes the author. A Conversation for Connection uncovers opportunity, setting the stage for a Conversation for Creating New Possibilities.
The deep listener must consciously practice what the author calls powerful listening in order to cultivate trust. The techniques of powerful listening are:
• To be fully present – actively listening to what is said.
• Maintaining eye contact for three to four seconds at a time.
• Mentally summarizing what the listener hears.
• Asking questions about what has been said.
As mechanical as these feel, they require practice until deep listening becomes a natural skill.
A Conversation for Creating New Possibilities begins with such phrases as, “What would you like to create?” “I have an idea I’d like you to consider…” or “Where do you see things going?” Those opening statements create a constructive framework.
These conversations are typically focused on creating some solution, growth, or opportunity. They may also serve to overcome some stagnation – rehashing of dislikes, grudges, opportunities missed, or bad feelings. Gossiping and kvetching are Dirty Laundry Conversations which impede possibilities, but alas, come naturally. A Conversation for Creating New Possibilities stops that cycle when someone asks, “What do you want to create next?” rather than takes part in (or listens to) stagnant emotions.
These positive conversations usually begin with someone putting a stick in the ground, making some conscious declaration of what the possibility is. The author encourages students to list 100 possibilities, as large as starting a company or as small as learning some new technology. Someone who can list only 20 possibilities has, in effect, created a glass ceiling.
Still, the largest ideas create the greatest possibilities, such as Walt Disney’s idea for creating one new attraction at each of his theme parks every year. Also, the largest ideas may start through one-on-one connection before they connect to millions. Thomas Edison, Bill Gates, and Nelson Mandela each created Conversations for Creating New Possibilities with individuals before taking those new possibilities to a global scale.
This demonstrates the value of making and maintaining connections; every connection has possibilities of its own. For example, an old business connection can represent the possibility of a new job opening, a business partnership, or simply the source of a great product idea.
A Conversation for Structure is a functional one, aimed at giving a possibility “bones” by creating a plan that launches that possibility into a reality. “What are the priorities?” one might ask. “How will we track our progress?” or, “What is the timeline for the steps?” These conversations are particularly useful when laying out a project plan, negotiating details of how to proceed, or creating a process map of specific steps.
It is at this stage where possibilities often go off the rails. An individual may declare a possibility, like losing 25 pounds, but does not create a structure for achieving it. Similarly, a company with the idea for a new product line or a new company ideal (perhaps “going green”) may never have this kick-off conversation.
Professional organizers engage their clients in Conversations for Structure; in a real-world example, an organizer pointed out to her client that she organized her kitchen far better than she did her office; hence, she never lost a cooking implement, but frequently dropped balls at work. The client benefited from a few simple tools and techniques, like keeping a single calendar versus relying on Post-It reminders, and setting aside a half hour in the morning to prioritize tasks for the day.
The Conversation for Commitment builds upon the earlier conversations. In it, someone asks, “Are you interested in these outcomes?” “Can we count on you to take this step?” “Will you commit 10 hours per week to this objective?” Sometimes the conversation is exploratory – “Here is an outline of responsibilities in this role, and I am considering you for it.” These are useful conversations in determining who is responsible for a given step, for recruiting team members, or for requesting management or budget support.
These conversations do more than solicit engagement, they create engagement. In another example, a company found itself unable to manage the rising cost of healthcare. Rather than make executive decisions, the management engaged all levels of the employees in a conversation aimed at finding solutions. The employees succeeded by suggesting an a-la-carte approach to healthcare insurance, and agreed to a raise in employee contributions. The employees were thus committed to and engaged in the solution.
These conversations also reiterate commitment where someone has lost it. For example, a manager caught a young employee in a “white lie,” and could have upbraided him. Instead, she held a Conversation for Commitment. She told him she had observed more integrity from him in the past, and asked how he thought he could rebuild trust, and if he was committed to seeing those actions through. The result was an employee who returned to the level of commitment and integrity that he had demonstrated before.
A common mistake is to assume commitment simply because someone is in a given role. Presumably, a project manager is committed to managing projects, but if the scope of the job were to change, or new tasks are introduced to it, then the project manager may be less engaged in the work than before. If performance lags, the project manager is ripe for a Conversation for Commitment with a manager (or mentor).
The Conversation for Action usually answers the question, “What next?” It also answers that question specifically. It begins with phrases like, “What is the priority now?” “Let’s create a checklist so we can see all the action steps and check them off…” and “What one action will help us all move forward?” This conversation seems similar to the Conversation for Structure, but that conversation was for planning a course of action; this one is for taking the actions themselves. The Conversation for Structure may include, “The Quality Assurance department will identify all recurring defects from the last quarter.” The Conversation for Action might include, “It is up to the R&D department to determine what actions it will take to achieve that goal.” Three questions that usually keep action moving forward are these:
- What are the options for what we can do today?
- What is the next action?
- Then what?
Note that these are questions, not commands. As questions, they enable people to use their expertise and values to select the next action; and because that next action is their idea, they will be engaged in it and committed to seeing it through to completion.
The next natural step is a Conversation for Accountability – one that, as the author describes, “Brings authority and responsibility into alignment.” These conversations begin with such phrases as, “When will you have this ready for the client?” “How can I be helpful to you in reaching this deliverable?” “May we talk at 5 p.m. every day to discuss the progress?”
The two (or more) people in the conversation become accountability partners who, when all goes well, understand exactly what the parameters and deliverables are. In one instance, a senior manager asked a new junior manager to “get to know” his direct reports. There were nearly 100 of them across the U.S. Unfortunately, these two managers’ communication styles were a mismatch. The senior manager had a High Compliant style, and so she expected the junior manager to read reports and background information about those 100 employees. The junior manager had more of a person-to-person High Influence style, and went on a long and expensive road trip to meet one-to-one with his direct reports. The two filtered the task through their own communication styles – both of which are perfectly valid – but could have avoided the misunderstanding with a Conversation for Accountability, asking, “What will it look like when this task is done well?” and checking in with one another as the task progressed.
When accountability goes wrong, it calls for a confrontation – but a civil one, which is still a Conversation for Accountability. The six steps in this Conversation for Accountability are these:
- Approach the person, pledging to solve a problem rather than upbraid.
- Describe the person’s behavior objectively (“I have observed…”).
- Express feelings and thoughts about the person’s behavior (“I feel frustrated…”).
- Suggest a specific change in terms (“May I suggest…” or “I would prefer…”).
- Explain the benefits of the new behavior (“I will be more open to your ideas…”)
- Ask for commitment to the new behavior. (“May I count on you?” or “Will you agree to this?”) Such a conversation fosters trust, where belittlement would have destroyed that trust.
In essence, a complaint is an inverted request. In a complaint, someone articulates dissatisfaction with the behavior of another. A Conversation for Accountability is the mechanism to turn that complaint into a request for some other behavior.
Conversation for Conflict Resolution
Conversations that begin with, “I’d like to better understand your perspective,” or, “What do you need from me to get past this issue and take the next step?” or, “Let’s explore what we do agree on, and where we go from there,” are all Conversations for Conflict Resolution.
Conflict is not necessarily fighting; nor does it necessarily involve any enmity between two parties. Rather, it may be some disagreement upon which idea is best for moving forward. Hayashi observes that no one challenged IBM Chairman Thomas Watson who declared in 1943 that the world had no need for more than five computers; likely, several of his own employees disagreed, but would not challenge so powerful a man. Thousands of innovators have had to defend ideas that others thought were impossible or improbable.
Conversations for Conflict Resolution can reveal a path to agreement, move beyond some chronic tension or resentment, or make one party cease to ignore another. (Some conflict does involve enmity, after all.)
One peril in conflict is to ignore it and avoid holding a conversation about the conflict at all. Those who “turn the other cheek” or “rise above it” are taking responsibility for keeping the peace without gaining any personal satisfaction. This is a difficult and non-constructive emotional state. Those people doom themselves to suffer in silence. The solution is to push past that fear of conflict and hold a conversation to resolve it.
These conversations are best held when both parties are committed to resolving the conflict – not winning it. In winning, someone loses or surrenders, and will be unengaged in the resolution; the conflict is merely squashed, not resolved. Also, winning and loss are strong emotional stimulants. However logical the conflict, the usual emotional states are fear and anger; fear of a loss of status, anger at being questioned or not heard or valued. Thus a Conversation for Conflict Resolution tasks its participants to protect themselves emotionally, but also to protect the other individual. The two parties do not sacrifice their own well being or that of one another. Only then can a conflict truly be resolved to full and mutual satisfaction.
If the Conversation for Conflict Resolution produces no results, then a breakdown occurs. A breakdown is an oscillating pattern – a repetitive pattern with no forward momentum.
A common breakdown is a case in which an individual has some negative behavior and persists in that behavior despite all warnings. In one case, an individual left a miserable emotional wake with customers, managers, and team mates who disliked his abruptness and ill temper. From his point of view, it was not his fault, rather, his manager, and those customers and coworkers, were simply too touchy. Rather than move forward to a higher emotional intelligence, this individual stayed stuck in an oscillating pattern.
One of the parties (but preferably all) must acknowledge the breakdown before it can be resolved. This may begin with some phrase like, “How do you think someone outside of this situation would perceive it? “or, “We have held this discussion before; why do you think we keep coming back to it?”
This may call for an executive decision. Hayashi coached a manager in just such a case, in which a technical support professional refused to share his knowledge with team mates. This type of knowledge-hoarding ensured that he remained invaluable – in theory. In reality, he created resentment among coworkers, and unnecessary expense for the company which had to compensate him for long hours. The individual defied his manager’s numerous requests to cross train co-workers. Only the threat of termination in 30 days convinced him that he was accountable for moving beyond the breakdown. Interestingly, that employee became an enthused team member after the experience; and the manager let go of her anger toward the employee. Both grew from the experience of a Conversation for Breakdown.
Conversation for Withdrawal and Disengagement
Not all relationships need to go forward. A relationship with an employer, colleague, or even a friend, may simply feel toxic and enervating. The emotional wake from an individual is always negative, or, people find themselves stuck in a pattern of anger or fear, with no promise of resolution.
Disengagement need not be drastic, complete, or permanent. For example, refusing to take part in office gossip is a Conversation for Withdrawal and Disengagement – simply stating, “I would rather not talk about someone who is not here.” Declining to serve as a reference for people one barely knows is another such conversation.
A client of Hayashi, one of 10 partners in a services firm, came to the realization that his own values and that of the other nine partners were simply a mismatch. He was able to articulate his points in a non-confrontational Conversation for Withdrawal and Disengagement, which left both sides feeling respected. There were no “hard feelings,” and all were able to maintain amicable relationships with one another.
Such a conversation may be held to disengage with a vendor, or to choose one service provider over another. These conversations need not include lengthy justifications, nor must they give the “dumped” party a plan for maintaining a fruitless relationship. Ideally, that party accepts the conversation with grace and grows from the experience. Hayashi herself was the object of such a conversation, and came to realize that she had placed undue demands on a professional associate; she took far more than she gave. Rather than attempt to repair the relationship, she treated the experience as an opportunity for growth. “Now I heed the lesson I learned from this person, and I ask my clients more questions rather than assuming…they still want to continue working together.”
Some useful phrases in these conversations are, “Thank you for the opportunity to work with you. It is time for me to move on and continue learning elsewhere,” or, “I am narrowing my client list to the top three,” or, “This role no longer fits my vision, and I feel the need to move on.” None of those phrases is accusatory; in fact, the speaker takes on the responsibility (if not the fault) for the disengagement.
The possible changes in an organization, or among individuals, are limitless. A merger and acquisition is a significant change. So is hiring a new employee, or working for a new manager. A department may find itself facing added responsibilities, or someone’s performance may have changed for the worse over time.
Change may be positive, negative, uplifting or enervating, but must be acknowledged in a Conversation for Change. “We have to bring others along to understand how we went from one way of thinking…to another way,” explains Hayashi.
In a case study from Hayashi’s client base, a project manager had operated successfully for a decade under a given job description. A new manager required her to be more proactive in creating an “internal customer” focus. Suddenly, the position was more customer-oriented than task oriented, and the project manager felt as if she was simply wasting her time with tasks that were not germane to her work.
What the manager had not done is hold a Conversation for Change, in which she acknowledged that the nature of the job would change; nor did she articulate what the new accountabilities would be. “The new job is not one I would want,” said the project manager in a Conversation for Change (which came one year after the change), and asked to be moved into a more suitable role.
Conversations for Change call for high emotional intelligence on both sides; what appears to be an opportunity to one party may appear to be a threat or an imposition to the other. That party may not be opposed to change, but must understand the change in order to accept it.
“Business conversation is the source of new ideas, new energy, and new directions,” wrote the editors of Fast Company, the magazine for entrepreneurs. An effective Conversation for Change begins with such phrases as these:
• “I have a dream that we could…”
• “A vision that inspires me is…”
• “How can we be proactive, instead of reactive?”
• “Here are some trends we need to be prepared for.”
• “Is anything happening within the company that we haven’t talked about?”
The risk of failing to hold a Conversation for Change is a reticence to change. People like the project manager described above attempt to continue working as they always have, but for a company or a department that has evolved. That project manager had not been given the time to process her emotions about the changes, and no one had spoken to her in her communication style.
Conversations for Appreciation are “uplifting deposits into the emotional bank account between people,” writes Hayashi. They may begin with such phrases as these:
• “I want you to know I noticed how well you…”
• “Thank you for putting in so much time to see this work through.” and
• “Jodi told me that you really excel at…”
Such conversations do more than foster good will; they create momentum in a relationship, turning it into a relationship that can achieve greater commitment, overcome conflict, and create more positive change.
There are four ways of showing appreciation in business:
- Affirmation is verbal or written and underscores the recipient’s strengths and worth;
- Quality time is more of a conversation, which perhaps feels like coaching. The recipient benefits by the positive affirmation of value, but also leaves feeling optimistic about possibilities and opportunities.
- Gifts, perhaps in the form of a pen or bonus, or concert tickets.
- Acts of Service; something that helps the recipient, like budgeting to upgrade his computer equipment or finding office space for him.
Appreciation need not be elaborate, but management must consider the consequence of a lack of appreciation; an individual does not feel valued, or is unmotivated to work hard in the future. Why bother, if less effort offers the same reward (or lack of it)?
The Conversation for Moving On is the “punctuation” that emotionally closes a connection, much like the period at the end of a sentence.
Such a conversation may come at a retirement party, or when a project ends; when a team disbands, but wishes to leave on good terms; or when an employee leaves for another opportunity. The individuals may or may not maintain connection in the future, but usually allow for the possibility.
A termination is such a conversation. One young hire let his late-night party lifestyle get in the way of his studying for a training exam and was terminated. (This was a pattern of behavior about which he had been warned.) The manager ended the termination meeting by advising the young man that something about this one situation did not work for him at this time and suggested he should figure out why so that he could meet expectations in his next opportunity. She also invited the young man, sincerely, to keep in touch and let her know where he went with his career.
This conversation showed tremendous emotional intelligence on the part of the manager; she neither demeaned nor upbraided the young man, nor did she withdraw from him professionally – all of which would have been emotionally difficult for him. Rather, she created a conversation that moved them past an unworkable situation into a workable one. Left with his dignity, the young man learned from the experience and found a position better suited to him.
More remarkably, the two felt positively enough about the outcome that they did maintain professional contact, comfortably.
Much of the success of a conversation comes down to communication styles; but also the emotional intelligence to adapt.
High Dominant communicators will jump eagerly into Conversations for Action – they enjoy action and momentum – but typically find a Conversation for Structure tedious.
High Influential types likely find a Conversation for Connection easy – they meet new people, exercise their knowledge and powers of persuasion – but they may find Conversations for Commitment difficult if the results are not of their choosing; their influence has failed.
The High Stability communicator will not leap into a Conversation for Commitment, because they do not make snap decisions.Once convinced, they will commit fully; yet will be daunted by Conversations for Creating New Possibilities, as possibilities are disruptive (in a positive way) rather than stable.
Finally, the High Compliant communicators willingly participate in Conversations for Accountability; accountability and compliance are close cousins. That same communicator will try to avoid a Conversation for Conflict Resolution, as conflict and defiance are also close cousins.
Each of the communication styles is purposeful and useful.
It appears to be hard work to master emotional intelligence, values, and communication styles; but skilled leaders take time to master those foundations through conscious practice and effort. Momentum and growth do not occur naturally; they are created and maintained by skilled communicators, and through meaningful conversation.
Features of the Book Reading Time: 4 Hours, 225 pages
“With these strategies, I have a tool to lead conversations in purposeful directions and not get flustered and frustrated,” said Oracle executive Rod Hanby in praise of Shawn Hayashi’s Conversations for Change.
This quick-reading book features dozens of case studies from Ms. Hayashi’s years of consulting at Fortune 500 companies, and also at smaller organizations.
The reader may simply absorb the book and its principles, or, use it as a tool for self assessment. The book includes a free online assessment through Hayashi’s company, The Professional Development Group. The 10 to 15-minute assessment asks the readers to rank themselves on personality traits – (“Bold and Talkative,” “Shy and Reserved,” etc.).
Hayashi walks the reader through each of the conversation styles, with both anecdotal and practical information. Each chapter includes a list of situations that call for a particular conversation; for example, holding a Conversation for Breakdown, aimed at motivating a person or team that is not meeting objectives. Each chapter as well features “Phrases and Questions to Start a Conversation” – in the case of a breakdown, phrases like “It seems to me we are stuck. Do you see it that way too?”
As the book comes to its close, it features a “When the Conversation Changes Journey Map,” a handy job-aid that summarizes the foundations for every conversation, and the continuum of the 12 conversations.
The book is best read start to finish; the conversations are meant to proceed linearly. Two people must achieve connection before creating new possibilities; a conversation for action before a conversation for accountability.
The book is aimed at business readers, but is useful to readers at all levels, from rank-and-file employees to top management. The case studies involve employees at all levels, like young employees who must seek organizations that match their values; and top managers who must hold a Conversation for Change with an entire organization in a company meeting.
In Conversations for Change, author Shawn Kent Hayashi discusses how conversations are an opportunity to build momentum and meaningful growth in relationships and business. Every conversation is built upon three foundations:
- Emotional intelligence: a kind of literacy about one’s own emotions and those of others, and recognizing when they are constructive or obstructive.
- Values: otherwise known as workplace motivators, which determine what drives a person, and what that person wants to talk about. Values run the gamut from utilitarian (productive and useful) to aesthetic (being artistic and sensual). Individuals have values, as do organizations.
- Communication styles: being how people like to talk. The styles are High Dominant; High Influence; High Steady; and High Compliance. People with similar styles tend to converse well.
Information about the author and subject: www.theprofessionaldevelopmentgroup.com/conversation
Information about this book and other business titles: www.mhprofessional.com
To Purchase This Book: www.amazon.com
Related summaries in the BBS Library:
Everyone Communicates, Few Connect What the Most Effective People Do Differently John C. Maxwell The Communication Problem Solver Simple Tools and Techniques for Busy Managers Nannette Rundle Carroll
Shawn Kent Hayashi is the founder and CEO of The Professional Development Group, and is the author of five business communication books. Hayashi also coaches organizations on how to apply the assessment methodology to their talent management efforts. Clients include Fortune 500 and mid-sized companies, universities, and entrepreneurial organizations. A certified Emotional Intelligence Coach, Shawn earned her M.S. in Organization Dynamics from The University of Pennsylvania. In addition, she holds a number of certifications in assessment analysis and serves on the boards of several professional organizations, and is active in the Forum of Executive Women.
Part I: Foundations For Every Conversation
Chapter 1: Emotional Intelligence
Chapter 2: Values: Workplace Motivators
Chapter 3: Communication Styles
Part II: The 12 Conversations
Chapter 4: Overview of the 12 Conversations
Chapter 5: Conversation for Connection
Chapter 6: Conversation for Creating New Possibilities
Chapter 7: Conversation for Structure
Chapter 8: Conversation for Commitment
Chapter 9: Conversation for Action
Chapter 10: Conversation for Accountability
Chapter 11: Conversation for Conflict Resolution
Chapter 12: Conversation for Breakdown
Chapter 13: Conversation for Withdrawal and Disengagement
Chapter 14: Conversation for Change
Chapter 15: Conversation for Appreciation
Chapter 16: Conversation for Moving On
Chapter 17: Putting It All Together: The Conversation Map
